October 12, 2015
10/11/15
So its about 11 i just changed into my pjs and took my pill..My anti depressants if youre curious.Its been a tough weekend who am i kidding every day of my life is a daily struggle, trying to fight this off and its hard.I havent had time for myself lately, havent been able to wright my feelings out and no wonder ive been crying every day again.Everythings been tough for me ever since you and i ..you know..I have a picture of my mom and i by my my bed on my night stand right next to where i sleep.I look at it every time, and i get lost. I look at myself when i was young and extremely happy.I was only 15.When i look at the picture i get a nostalgic feeling but i also feel pure sadness inside.I always wish i could go back in time, if i could only go back in time i swear i would do everything differntly, but wouldnt anyone? I look at myself now and i dont see that girl anymore. I changed alot in 4 years and im not sure if for good.Its hard for me to look at the picture everyday because i feel like i failed myself. I would of never thought that id be going through what ive been going through.Back then i was so happy full of life. And now its a struggle to even get up in the morning because i dont desire to get up and see people and deal with everything that life comes with. I want to stay locked in my room with my own thoughts with my music with my tears i want to be left alone. There has been times i wish to not ever wake up because im just fed up.I talk to God everyday and i beg him to lead me to the right path. I dont know how many times ive cried while i prayed to him.How did i get here? How did it get this bad? i dont understand. You had a huge impact in my life ( If you didnt know well now you do) to me you were everything, i remember when i first started to talk to you i would smile every time i would receive a txt from you it felt like the butterflies it really did. It was amazing. It felt so good to have someone that loved you ( thats what you made me believe).After we 1st met that time at the mall i felt extremly lucky to have a man that actually cared for ME i felt like i could count on you. You made me think i was the baddest and the only one for you which made me feel amazing but i hate how naive i was, i believed everything you said to me.To me age never mattered, actally felt like it was meant to be. I though of my grandparents age gap and i thought ''were just like them'' you actually remind me of my grandpa i wont get into detail on that though.Anyway, over time you confused me, you made it seem like age didnt matter to you but at the same time it did. Made me start to doubt you ''why doesnt he want me'' ''why doesnt he let me be around''. Of course over the years i figured what it really was i mean you still act the same way, you never did want to be seen with me. As the years went by i still held it down i guess i was still there. I remember always watching ''Love & Hip Hop'' and seeing these women get cheated on made me feel bad, and i swear i would think to myself '' thank God he would never cheat on me'' i still felt like i was really the only one in your life haha the only one you were texting, telling ''your beautiful'' or ''I love you''.I thought was lucky.Later i realised things werent how they seemed to be. Yyou started to go MIA more and seemed to forget about me, i still loved you though, i remember those nights were i just wondered what you could be doing.I missed you immensely and i started to feel sad. But you always came around again and made some bullshit story and kissed my ass a little and that made me fall right back into your palm. It sucks how it all turned out, all the shit i thought was real and genuine was untrue and evil.My world started falling apart from the moment i found out who you really were, that was like a big slap in the face, i felt embarrassed and ashamed, i never like to remember those traumatic days but they eventually cross my mind from time to time, i remember that day i was on the phone with my cousin, she was telling me about her trip in mexico, i had to hang up and start crying and tell myself over and over ''this cant be happening'' ''na this cant be true''. Thats were you and i went down hill...I felt like after what was said and done , you wanted me around so i wouldnt snitch you out, but how blind could you be after all you did deserve it but i wouldve never done it to you. I was truly hurt and i sure did say some mean things but i know deep down you knew what type of girl you were dealing with, you knew i was crazy about you. Sadly i took you back, thinking you really wanted to be with me, but in reality you were just scared. I never fully healed from that wound, we both just put a bandage over it. Trying to get comfortable to the new you was extrremly hard i still to this day dont really see you as him, i see you as xavier im just being honest. Yyou never gave me the time to heal it i never got the chance to when i suddnely got hit with a fucking bullet with the worst news ever. Thats when everything came crashing down my life the dreams i had vanished i could not believe you were lying to me about everything, everything you age your name your social netwroks the girls. I felt like it was all a bad dream like when the fuck am i going to wake up!!
I never woke up. Im still here living this reality. As i write this my tears fall down my face and im truly still hurt inside, im sure youve always had the girls there, but i cant move on. Im stuck on you and i dont know when it will get better. Im so desperate i dont want to feel the pain, you dont understand hoew real this shit is. After finding that out i honestly wanted you to fight for me, like that day we met to ''talk'' that was actually my Prom night and i didnt go because before i found out you said not to, and of course it was to late to go find a dress and i was so sad i wouldnt of enjoyed myself.Instead of being at prom i was with you! Trying to figure it all out hoping for an expanation an apology a genuine apology, i wanted you to fucking fight for me, I realised i was not what you wnated when you left me crying on the corner of my apartments, i flashed back to the other day i confronted you you left but you came back, but that was only because you were scared, this time i was 18 and you didnt come back. I was broken one of the worst days i ever expirienced.Could not beleive you walked out like that, that told me evreything.After that i moved away to my new home i wanted to leave all the negative in that city all the memories and start new but it was hard when you were constantly texting me bullshit. I was truly hurt and dissapointed, at this point i chaged i was not the same ever again, i would snap easily i grew bitter and angry with the world having sad attacks in public, running to the car becuase i coouldnt handle being out in public.Youll never undertsand how much damage you caused me, im scarred for life, you were my first love, but you took that away from me, you ruined the dreams i had, all the genuine feelings i felt for you all gone. I know you never loved me, it took me a lot to accept that, it was never love,i dont know what it was, lust?
i dont know maybe you like ruining young girls like me i dont know. I really dont know you, you never let me, you never gave me the chance to actualy be with you and i hate you for that. This wa so disfunctional i was so young i didnt know if the shit you were doing was right.When you came back the 2nd time around after the weeknd Concert, i was hoping you would tell me ''lets make up for all the time we lost ,lets start all over'' but no i dont even think you were expecting me to respond to you stupid text ( asking me for some shoes like really?) nothing youve done was genuine.
But i gave in anyway thinking you would change like always i failed myself again by giving you my body like if you deserved it i knew i was only hurting myself even more but i just love you so much that i tried to make it work again but it was obvious how you felt,I wish you would of sacrifaced atleast a little for me, i did a lot to show and prove you that i genuinly loved you but that didnt matter, i guess i wasnt just that amazing like those other girls you had i cant make you love me and i cant make you change.I knew i wasnt what you really wanted when you didnt even bother in asking how i was doing,where was i working,where was i going to school what was new with me, you never asked and that hurt.It took me so much to accpet the fact that you just dont care and thats why Im done trying ive fought for this love for a long time and you never did, i mean why would you if you feel nothing for me.If only it was all a bad dream and i was still 15 and i woke up from this night mare but its not,I think what really killed me was that none of it was real, and how much time i invested how much time i waited for a ''love'' that i thought was everything.Everything changed when i lost my virginity to you my world fell apart nothing has been the same since.Its all fucked up idk what how to even express it anymore. Its my reality im almost twenty not a ''teen'' anymore and im still hurting, i push you away because i dont want you to hurt me anymore i cant do it anymore ive hit my breaking point ive tried everything ahmed church daily visits with the physcologist and nothing helps so ive decided to get on anti depressants they also help me sleep i use to not sleep at all actually.I dont care if you agree with it or not its your fault why im here do you think i want to be on meds? do you think i want to be sad? its not my fucking fault its yours now if it fucking makes me feel better let me take it.Im away right now had to get away from the bullshit tryng to find peace and treat this illness i have that i wont mention to someone who doesnt care at all, ill be back soon though for the holidays, I still wish and i still dream that one day... i dont know
i still love you though and lately i have been crying a lot again you are truly missed but its better this way...
i dont know what else to say
you take care ahmed
With Love karla xo
So its about 11 i just changed into my pjs and took my pill..My anti depressants if youre curious.Its been a tough weekend who am i kidding every day of my life is a daily struggle, trying to fight this off and its hard.I havent had time for myself lately, havent been able to wright my feelings out and no wonder ive been crying every day again.Everythings been tough for me ever since you and i ..you know..I have a picture of my mom and i by my my bed on my night stand right next to where i sleep.I look at it every time, and i get lost. I look at myself when i was young and extremely happy.I was only 15.When i look at the picture i get a nostalgic feeling but i also feel pure sadness inside.I always wish i could go back in time, if i could only go back in time i swear i would do everything differntly, but wouldnt anyone? I look at myself now and i dont see that girl anymore. I changed alot in 4 years and im not sure if for good.Its hard for me to look at the picture everyday because i feel like i failed myself. I would of never thought that id be going through what ive been going through.Back then i was so happy full of life. And now its a struggle to even get up in the morning because i dont desire to get up and see people and deal with everything that life comes with. I want to stay locked in my room with my own thoughts with my music with my tears i want to be left alone. There has been times i wish to not ever wake up because im just fed up.I talk to God everyday and i beg him to lead me to the right path. I dont know how many times ive cried while i prayed to him.How did i get here? How did it get this bad? i dont understand. You had a huge impact in my life ( If you didnt know well now you do) to me you were everything, i remember when i first started to talk to you i would smile every time i would receive a txt from you it felt like the butterflies it really did. It was amazing. It felt so good to have someone that loved you ( thats what you made me believe).After we 1st met that time at the mall i felt extremly lucky to have a man that actually cared for ME i felt like i could count on you. You made me think i was the baddest and the only one for you which made me feel amazing but i hate how naive i was, i believed everything you said to me.To me age never mattered, actally felt like it was meant to be. I though of my grandparents age gap and i thought ''were just like them'' you actually remind me of my grandpa i wont get into detail on that though.Anyway, over time you confused me, you made it seem like age didnt matter to you but at the same time it did. Made me start to doubt you ''why doesnt he want me'' ''why doesnt he let me be around''. Of course over the years i figured what it really was i mean you still act the same way, you never did want to be seen with me. As the years went by i still held it down i guess i was still there. I remember always watching ''Love & Hip Hop'' and seeing these women get cheated on made me feel bad, and i swear i would think to myself '' thank God he would never cheat on me'' i still felt like i was really the only one in your life haha the only one you were texting, telling ''your beautiful'' or ''I love you''.I thought was lucky.Later i realised things werent how they seemed to be. Yyou started to go MIA more and seemed to forget about me, i still loved you though, i remember those nights were i just wondered what you could be doing.I missed you immensely and i started to feel sad. But you always came around again and made some bullshit story and kissed my ass a little and that made me fall right back into your palm. It sucks how it all turned out, all the shit i thought was real and genuine was untrue and evil.My world started falling apart from the moment i found out who you really were, that was like a big slap in the face, i felt embarrassed and ashamed, i never like to remember those traumatic days but they eventually cross my mind from time to time, i remember that day i was on the phone with my cousin, she was telling me about her trip in mexico, i had to hang up and start crying and tell myself over and over ''this cant be happening'' ''na this cant be true''. Thats were you and i went down hill...I felt like after what was said and done , you wanted me around so i wouldnt snitch you out, but how blind could you be after all you did deserve it but i wouldve never done it to you. I was truly hurt and i sure did say some mean things but i know deep down you knew what type of girl you were dealing with, you knew i was crazy about you. Sadly i took you back, thinking you really wanted to be with me, but in reality you were just scared. I never fully healed from that wound, we both just put a bandage over it. Trying to get comfortable to the new you was extrremly hard i still to this day dont really see you as him, i see you as xavier im just being honest. Yyou never gave me the time to heal it i never got the chance to when i suddnely got hit with a fucking bullet with the worst news ever. Thats when everything came crashing down my life the dreams i had vanished i could not believe you were lying to me about everything, everything you age your name your social netwroks the girls. I felt like it was all a bad dream like when the fuck am i going to wake up!!
I never woke up. Im still here living this reality. As i write this my tears fall down my face and im truly still hurt inside, im sure youve always had the girls there, but i cant move on. Im stuck on you and i dont know when it will get better. Im so desperate i dont want to feel the pain, you dont understand hoew real this shit is. After finding that out i honestly wanted you to fight for me, like that day we met to ''talk'' that was actually my Prom night and i didnt go because before i found out you said not to, and of course it was to late to go find a dress and i was so sad i wouldnt of enjoyed myself.Instead of being at prom i was with you! Trying to figure it all out hoping for an expanation an apology a genuine apology, i wanted you to fucking fight for me, I realised i was not what you wnated when you left me crying on the corner of my apartments, i flashed back to the other day i confronted you you left but you came back, but that was only because you were scared, this time i was 18 and you didnt come back. I was broken one of the worst days i ever expirienced.Could not beleive you walked out like that, that told me evreything.After that i moved away to my new home i wanted to leave all the negative in that city all the memories and start new but it was hard when you were constantly texting me bullshit. I was truly hurt and dissapointed, at this point i chaged i was not the same ever again, i would snap easily i grew bitter and angry with the world having sad attacks in public, running to the car becuase i coouldnt handle being out in public.Youll never undertsand how much damage you caused me, im scarred for life, you were my first love, but you took that away from me, you ruined the dreams i had, all the genuine feelings i felt for you all gone. I know you never loved me, it took me a lot to accept that, it was never love,i dont know what it was, lust?
i dont know maybe you like ruining young girls like me i dont know. I really dont know you, you never let me, you never gave me the chance to actualy be with you and i hate you for that. This wa so disfunctional i was so young i didnt know if the shit you were doing was right.When you came back the 2nd time around after the weeknd Concert, i was hoping you would tell me ''lets make up for all the time we lost ,lets start all over'' but no i dont even think you were expecting me to respond to you stupid text ( asking me for some shoes like really?) nothing youve done was genuine.
But i gave in anyway thinking you would change like always i failed myself again by giving you my body like if you deserved it i knew i was only hurting myself even more but i just love you so much that i tried to make it work again but it was obvious how you felt,I wish you would of sacrifaced atleast a little for me, i did a lot to show and prove you that i genuinly loved you but that didnt matter, i guess i wasnt just that amazing like those other girls you had i cant make you love me and i cant make you change.I knew i wasnt what you really wanted when you didnt even bother in asking how i was doing,where was i working,where was i going to school what was new with me, you never asked and that hurt.It took me so much to accpet the fact that you just dont care and thats why Im done trying ive fought for this love for a long time and you never did, i mean why would you if you feel nothing for me.If only it was all a bad dream and i was still 15 and i woke up from this night mare but its not,I think what really killed me was that none of it was real, and how much time i invested how much time i waited for a ''love'' that i thought was everything.Everything changed when i lost my virginity to you my world fell apart nothing has been the same since.Its all fucked up idk what how to even express it anymore. Its my reality im almost twenty not a ''teen'' anymore and im still hurting, i push you away because i dont want you to hurt me anymore i cant do it anymore ive hit my breaking point ive tried everything ahmed church daily visits with the physcologist and nothing helps so ive decided to get on anti depressants they also help me sleep i use to not sleep at all actually.I dont care if you agree with it or not its your fault why im here do you think i want to be on meds? do you think i want to be sad? its not my fucking fault its yours now if it fucking makes me feel better let me take it.Im away right now had to get away from the bullshit tryng to find peace and treat this illness i have that i wont mention to someone who doesnt care at all, ill be back soon though for the holidays, I still wish and i still dream that one day... i dont know
i still love you though and lately i have been crying a lot again you are truly missed but its better this way...
i dont know what else to say
you take care ahmed
With Love karla xo
October 5, 2015
I made another mistake yet again knowing what was what he wanted from me this time around.It reallly hurts my feelings that its the real truth behind his actions, i feel so humiliated and unwanted, i thought he really he loved me for me but he only cares for one thing only and it makes me really sad.I had to be honest and bring it up, he didnt deny it and just didnt even respond. That tells me everything and it hurts me so much that ive been crying all day about it, i dont understand why he does this to me why cant god make him realize what hes doing is killing me why god why me why does he do this to me
July 15, 2015
I reallly should be sleeping right now but i cant help but think about this weekend and what happened.I was really glad to see u again i miss you like crazy and i can still smell the scent of your skin stuck on me. I needed to see if this was still worth it ,If i should give it a another shot but i ended dissapointed once again.It just wont ever work between us because im the only one who wants it, who wants it to be good i dont want to ignore everything else that happened like you, in order for us to be in a good place we both needed to help solve the issues we had, but you just werent there. I hate that u think im always trying to start drama or trying to fight. Open your eyes my love I wasnt fighting you if youre smart as you claim to be you wouldve seen that i was fighting for you, i wanted you to fucken fight for me i wanted you to not give up on me on us. I wanted you to give it your all and fight for your ''love'' but i wasnt seeing that.I wanted you to fucking try to make it better and not ignore what had happened i wanted you to help me get better and make it better for the sake of our relationship BUT i wasnt seeing that!Dont you see im truly hurt inside, it got so bad it got to the point that i needed pills to numb the pain i felt and help me sleep at night.Theres things you dont know about my childhood and what ive done. And i didnt want to fall back to that place ever again. Pain from my childhood and heartbreak were eating me alive i really felt like i was going to lose it at one point i swear its the worst feeling in the world. And it hurts me more to hear you say these things to me and see you act so insensitive towards how i feel.
You know how i feel about you and i wouldve done anything in the world to mend the relationship but i didnt see that with you.
''You're not the man Who would bleed for me But never shed a tear You're not the one Who said he'd always, always, always be here said he'd always always be near ''As the years went by i reflected and looked back when i first met you...Im not a little girl anymore i grew up and saw what was really going on. I wasnt being loved back", i realized that all everything i thought was love wasnt. I felt like an idiot and i promised myself i wouldnt take you back but there i was running back to you hoping to receive the love i gave.. It was all lies and empty promises i loved you so much that i tried to ignore all that. I made myself believe that you did care and that you did love me and that i was the one for you but that was all in my head deep down i knew the truth i just didnt want to accept the reality.Thats the reality dear, You just dont love me ,you never loved me. I always saw my cousins having the perfect life married to their first love and i wanted the same, after getting hurt by you so many times i thought i was crazy to think you wanted me in your life forver but then i went back and re-read old msgs and i wasnt crazy! you claimed to love me, claimed that i was the love of your life..
Then i realized they were just sweet words without no meaning behind them.I never said or tried to marry you today or tommorow but what i did want one day was a life with you and that one day i was going to be your ''wife'' I really wished you kept your word with the ''promise ring'' you promised me when we first met on that rainy day.I lost a lot in this relationship.. i gave a way my virginity to a man who never truly genuienly loved me i lost my heart, the hope and the innocence i had, my views on life and men are not the same, the way i see people. I feel like a complete failure, i feel like i failed myself and betrayed myself for a love that never was real. I lost myself with you i gave you my all.I gave you my body and trust. And most importantly my love. Nothing but pure love from a young innocent girl. I looked up to you, i loved you so much and it hurts what you did to me not only did you lie but you cheated on me.I wasted my teenage years on you. never fucked never dated anyone else. You were and still are the only man ive ever been with. And it hurts to know i invested so much in you. But here i am, again on this dark cold night crying for you and aching. Last night was a chance to see if you really changed or if youre REALLY trying. I didnt see that, you kept putting me down like youve always have, ignoring everyhting else. I CANT IGNORE WHAT HURT ME! IN ORDER TO BE HAPPY AGAIN YOU NEEDED TO HELP HEAL THE WOUNDS BUT INSTEAD YOU STILL KEPT SCRATCHING MY INJURIES OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Not once did you say ''i love you'' saturday night you only did when i said it..I feel like im not a part of your life
i feel like i dont exist in your world, ive never met none of your friends or family and you refuse to meet mine [my parents are excluded].You wont even add me on your social networks so what does that mean? simple you dont want to be in a relationship and certainly not with me. Ive always been a dam secret and well thats not what i want anymore. I shouldnt be apologizing for how much i love you, but im sorry for everything for bugging you and getting on your nerves and pissing you off i didnt mean to but you take it all the wrong way you dont see whats really going on in my heart. And i cant make you or force you to change or understand any of it. I wish it couldve got better but it just didnt.Its time for me to move on with my life and heal myself by myself,the scars will never go away though and theyll always remind me of you..
I wish you the best alright ill always love you no matter what. I hope it all works out for you
and well dont come back looking for me later on because i wont be here anymore time is up! Take care
love Karla
You know how i feel about you and i wouldve done anything in the world to mend the relationship but i didnt see that with you.
''You're not the man Who would bleed for me But never shed a tear You're not the one Who said he'd always, always, always be here said he'd always always be near ''As the years went by i reflected and looked back when i first met you...Im not a little girl anymore i grew up and saw what was really going on. I wasnt being loved back", i realized that all everything i thought was love wasnt. I felt like an idiot and i promised myself i wouldnt take you back but there i was running back to you hoping to receive the love i gave.. It was all lies and empty promises i loved you so much that i tried to ignore all that. I made myself believe that you did care and that you did love me and that i was the one for you but that was all in my head deep down i knew the truth i just didnt want to accept the reality.Thats the reality dear, You just dont love me ,you never loved me. I always saw my cousins having the perfect life married to their first love and i wanted the same, after getting hurt by you so many times i thought i was crazy to think you wanted me in your life forver but then i went back and re-read old msgs and i wasnt crazy! you claimed to love me, claimed that i was the love of your life..
Then i realized they were just sweet words without no meaning behind them.I never said or tried to marry you today or tommorow but what i did want one day was a life with you and that one day i was going to be your ''wife'' I really wished you kept your word with the ''promise ring'' you promised me when we first met on that rainy day.I lost a lot in this relationship.. i gave a way my virginity to a man who never truly genuienly loved me i lost my heart, the hope and the innocence i had, my views on life and men are not the same, the way i see people. I feel like a complete failure, i feel like i failed myself and betrayed myself for a love that never was real. I lost myself with you i gave you my all.I gave you my body and trust. And most importantly my love. Nothing but pure love from a young innocent girl. I looked up to you, i loved you so much and it hurts what you did to me not only did you lie but you cheated on me.I wasted my teenage years on you. never fucked never dated anyone else. You were and still are the only man ive ever been with. And it hurts to know i invested so much in you. But here i am, again on this dark cold night crying for you and aching. Last night was a chance to see if you really changed or if youre REALLY trying. I didnt see that, you kept putting me down like youve always have, ignoring everyhting else. I CANT IGNORE WHAT HURT ME! IN ORDER TO BE HAPPY AGAIN YOU NEEDED TO HELP HEAL THE WOUNDS BUT INSTEAD YOU STILL KEPT SCRATCHING MY INJURIES OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Not once did you say ''i love you'' saturday night you only did when i said it..I feel like im not a part of your life
i feel like i dont exist in your world, ive never met none of your friends or family and you refuse to meet mine [my parents are excluded].You wont even add me on your social networks so what does that mean? simple you dont want to be in a relationship and certainly not with me. Ive always been a dam secret and well thats not what i want anymore. I shouldnt be apologizing for how much i love you, but im sorry for everything for bugging you and getting on your nerves and pissing you off i didnt mean to but you take it all the wrong way you dont see whats really going on in my heart. And i cant make you or force you to change or understand any of it. I wish it couldve got better but it just didnt.Its time for me to move on with my life and heal myself by myself,the scars will never go away though and theyll always remind me of you..
I wish you the best alright ill always love you no matter what. I hope it all works out for you
and well dont come back looking for me later on because i wont be here anymore time is up! Take care
love Karla
May 31, 2015
Dear diary,
Im tired.
Today Saturday May 31 or should i say yesterday was my goddaughter's 1st communion
I feel very appreciated for once and honored to have been chosen to be this little girls god mother i basically raised this child from the very second she was born.I know she looks up to me and i want to be a great example to her.
So this is why this is important that i get my life back together. After talking to my new therapist she told me that i should write everything i had been feeling lately. I always have,ever since my whole life started falling apart.
Im tired.
Today Saturday May 31 or should i say yesterday was my goddaughter's 1st communion
I feel very appreciated for once and honored to have been chosen to be this little girls god mother i basically raised this child from the very second she was born.I know she looks up to me and i want to be a great example to her.
So this is why this is important that i get my life back together. After talking to my new therapist she told me that i should write everything i had been feeling lately. I always have,ever since my whole life started falling apart.
After a while, i figured out God had been putting all the signs out there for me 2 see.
They were right in front of my face.
Me being so in love i never woke up to the reality of it all.
But now 4 years later i try my best to get away from this night mare.
Its one of the hardest things ive ever had to deal with.
I can say ive felt it all.
Love, disappointment , betrayal , some type of happiness and last, pain.
A pain that i have yet not been able to recover.
Im afraid to carry this burden for the rest of my life. I dont want to be bitter and depressed my whole life. Im afraid of it all.
This whole situation dragged me back and im way behind in my life.
I know i need the closure but i can't get it.
Because AC is just someone who will never understand and ill never understand him. Nor will i ever know the pure truth about all the lies and himself. Ill never get to know the real him. I believe this is one of the most frustrating situation i ever been in. Being so deeply in love with such a handsome man. A man i thought i had something special with.
With someone who i actually thought could always protect me from evil.
With the man i thought was the man of my dreams. But in the end he turned out to be one of the worst persons i ever met.
He never showed me real love.
He just talked about it.
Made me believe that i was special.
That i was beautiful.
Made me think that i was the only one for him.
That him and i were everything together "unstoppable".
That i could count on him.
And many other things a good young girl like me would want in a man.
I genuinely felt EXTREMELY BLESSED back then.
I thought wow hes incredibly handsome he actually seems 2 care for me and hes in love with me.Not only that he also respects my beliefs.I thought i was so lucky. It honestly made me feel amazing. Felt like we were perfect for 1 another.
I thought we had a connection but we didn't.
And i can see that now but back then i couldn't.
I was to blinded by all his words.
He caught a tiny fish in the sea.
A naive fish he knew id fall right for him.
They were right in front of my face.
Me being so in love i never woke up to the reality of it all.
But now 4 years later i try my best to get away from this night mare.
Its one of the hardest things ive ever had to deal with.
I can say ive felt it all.
Love, disappointment , betrayal , some type of happiness and last, pain.
A pain that i have yet not been able to recover.
Im afraid to carry this burden for the rest of my life. I dont want to be bitter and depressed my whole life. Im afraid of it all.
This whole situation dragged me back and im way behind in my life.
I know i need the closure but i can't get it.
Because AC is just someone who will never understand and ill never understand him. Nor will i ever know the pure truth about all the lies and himself. Ill never get to know the real him. I believe this is one of the most frustrating situation i ever been in. Being so deeply in love with such a handsome man. A man i thought i had something special with.
With someone who i actually thought could always protect me from evil.
With the man i thought was the man of my dreams. But in the end he turned out to be one of the worst persons i ever met.
He never showed me real love.
He just talked about it.
Made me believe that i was special.
That i was beautiful.
Made me think that i was the only one for him.
That him and i were everything together "unstoppable".
That i could count on him.
And many other things a good young girl like me would want in a man.
I genuinely felt EXTREMELY BLESSED back then.
I thought wow hes incredibly handsome he actually seems 2 care for me and hes in love with me.Not only that he also respects my beliefs.I thought i was so lucky. It honestly made me feel amazing. Felt like we were perfect for 1 another.
I thought we had a connection but we didn't.
And i can see that now but back then i couldn't.
I was to blinded by all his words.
He caught a tiny fish in the sea.
A naive fish he knew id fall right for him.
Never in a million years would i have thought i would be here in my bed laying down crying myself to sleep every night because of
Him. Because of the things he did to me. I would probably thought we would be closer than ever and stronger than ever and so in love with 1 another.As i look back to 4 years ago i really do feel sorry for my self. And Think to myself how fucking crazy is this. This just cant be happening this must be a fuckin night mare and i need to wake up. But no this was the reality all along. Its about 4 am .. Another night without sleep because of the same issue. I hope to get well because im to young to be feeling like im going through a bad divorce. I'm to young 2 be feeling this depressed for a man who never showed me anything besides his penis. I hope after i come back for Cristians Graduation and surprise party i hope to be at peace or atleast have been able to learn to move forward and be positive with every aspect in my life.And i hope i wont have the need to have 2 look at his pictures or old messages from years ago when it was all perfect when i had no idea of what he really was!❤
Ive always wondered how it felt to be loved. It must be nice to have someones full attention and genuine love. To have someone who would do anything to see you happy and always be there. Someone who will make you feel special. The same kind of love i gave Ahmed oh i wish i would've received it back.
But after all the pain he caused me in my life i will always have a special place for him in my heart and he knows that. He knows ill always love him.
But after all the pain he caused me in my life i will always have a special place for him in my heart and he knows that. He knows ill always love him.
Im in the process of trying to accept that what me and Ahmed had was false. False love , fake kisses
Empty promises,that eveything was a lie. I know that's the only truth from all of this.
Empty promises,that eveything was a lie. I know that's the only truth from all of this.
I just want to be happy and if letting go of the love of my life means happiness then thats what I'll need and have 2 do.
Well its about 430 now and i have alot to get done tomorrow and i just took my pills and im getting sleepy good night world.
5/31/15
March 11, 2015
Letter: Him
When im with him i guess i feel a lot of things. Don't know where to begin,i remember when i first laid eyes on him. I was nervous, shocked, anxious and excited. I definitely had a crush on him on first sight.It was beautiful and i guess i gotta give him credit for that. For making me feel the way i did.Even if he never did love me Ive come to realize and learned to appreciate and see the good in all of this.I have loved and lost.I have felt and cried for a love so deep, a love so pure so innocent. That it was one of the best things that ever happened to me.I felt like my whole world was falling apart.Now i can say Ive felt it all.
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