Dear diary,
Im tired.
Today Saturday May 31 or should i say yesterday was my goddaughter's 1st communion
I feel very appreciated for once and honored to have been chosen to be this little girls god mother i basically raised this child from the very second she was born.I know she looks up to me and i want to be a great example to her.
So this is why this is important that i get my life back together. After talking to my new therapist she told me that i should write everything i had been feeling lately. I always have,ever since my whole life started falling apart.
Im tired.
Today Saturday May 31 or should i say yesterday was my goddaughter's 1st communion
I feel very appreciated for once and honored to have been chosen to be this little girls god mother i basically raised this child from the very second she was born.I know she looks up to me and i want to be a great example to her.
So this is why this is important that i get my life back together. After talking to my new therapist she told me that i should write everything i had been feeling lately. I always have,ever since my whole life started falling apart.
After a while, i figured out God had been putting all the signs out there for me 2 see.
They were right in front of my face.
Me being so in love i never woke up to the reality of it all.
But now 4 years later i try my best to get away from this night mare.
Its one of the hardest things ive ever had to deal with.
I can say ive felt it all.
Love, disappointment , betrayal , some type of happiness and last, pain.
A pain that i have yet not been able to recover.
Im afraid to carry this burden for the rest of my life. I dont want to be bitter and depressed my whole life. Im afraid of it all.
This whole situation dragged me back and im way behind in my life.
I know i need the closure but i can't get it.
Because AC is just someone who will never understand and ill never understand him. Nor will i ever know the pure truth about all the lies and himself. Ill never get to know the real him. I believe this is one of the most frustrating situation i ever been in. Being so deeply in love with such a handsome man. A man i thought i had something special with.
With someone who i actually thought could always protect me from evil.
With the man i thought was the man of my dreams. But in the end he turned out to be one of the worst persons i ever met.
He never showed me real love.
He just talked about it.
Made me believe that i was special.
That i was beautiful.
Made me think that i was the only one for him.
That him and i were everything together "unstoppable".
That i could count on him.
And many other things a good young girl like me would want in a man.
I genuinely felt EXTREMELY BLESSED back then.
I thought wow hes incredibly handsome he actually seems 2 care for me and hes in love with me.Not only that he also respects my beliefs.I thought i was so lucky. It honestly made me feel amazing. Felt like we were perfect for 1 another.
I thought we had a connection but we didn't.
And i can see that now but back then i couldn't.
I was to blinded by all his words.
He caught a tiny fish in the sea.
A naive fish he knew id fall right for him.
They were right in front of my face.
Me being so in love i never woke up to the reality of it all.
But now 4 years later i try my best to get away from this night mare.
Its one of the hardest things ive ever had to deal with.
I can say ive felt it all.
Love, disappointment , betrayal , some type of happiness and last, pain.
A pain that i have yet not been able to recover.
Im afraid to carry this burden for the rest of my life. I dont want to be bitter and depressed my whole life. Im afraid of it all.
This whole situation dragged me back and im way behind in my life.
I know i need the closure but i can't get it.
Because AC is just someone who will never understand and ill never understand him. Nor will i ever know the pure truth about all the lies and himself. Ill never get to know the real him. I believe this is one of the most frustrating situation i ever been in. Being so deeply in love with such a handsome man. A man i thought i had something special with.
With someone who i actually thought could always protect me from evil.
With the man i thought was the man of my dreams. But in the end he turned out to be one of the worst persons i ever met.
He never showed me real love.
He just talked about it.
Made me believe that i was special.
That i was beautiful.
Made me think that i was the only one for him.
That him and i were everything together "unstoppable".
That i could count on him.
And many other things a good young girl like me would want in a man.
I genuinely felt EXTREMELY BLESSED back then.
I thought wow hes incredibly handsome he actually seems 2 care for me and hes in love with me.Not only that he also respects my beliefs.I thought i was so lucky. It honestly made me feel amazing. Felt like we were perfect for 1 another.
I thought we had a connection but we didn't.
And i can see that now but back then i couldn't.
I was to blinded by all his words.
He caught a tiny fish in the sea.
A naive fish he knew id fall right for him.
Never in a million years would i have thought i would be here in my bed laying down crying myself to sleep every night because of
Him. Because of the things he did to me. I would probably thought we would be closer than ever and stronger than ever and so in love with 1 another.As i look back to 4 years ago i really do feel sorry for my self. And Think to myself how fucking crazy is this. This just cant be happening this must be a fuckin night mare and i need to wake up. But no this was the reality all along. Its about 4 am .. Another night without sleep because of the same issue. I hope to get well because im to young to be feeling like im going through a bad divorce. I'm to young 2 be feeling this depressed for a man who never showed me anything besides his penis. I hope after i come back for Cristians Graduation and surprise party i hope to be at peace or atleast have been able to learn to move forward and be positive with every aspect in my life.And i hope i wont have the need to have 2 look at his pictures or old messages from years ago when it was all perfect when i had no idea of what he really was!❤
Ive always wondered how it felt to be loved. It must be nice to have someones full attention and genuine love. To have someone who would do anything to see you happy and always be there. Someone who will make you feel special. The same kind of love i gave Ahmed oh i wish i would've received it back.
But after all the pain he caused me in my life i will always have a special place for him in my heart and he knows that. He knows ill always love him.
But after all the pain he caused me in my life i will always have a special place for him in my heart and he knows that. He knows ill always love him.
Im in the process of trying to accept that what me and Ahmed had was false. False love , fake kisses
Empty promises,that eveything was a lie. I know that's the only truth from all of this.
Empty promises,that eveything was a lie. I know that's the only truth from all of this.
I just want to be happy and if letting go of the love of my life means happiness then thats what I'll need and have 2 do.
Well its about 430 now and i have alot to get done tomorrow and i just took my pills and im getting sleepy good night world.
5/31/15
