10/11/15
So its about 11 i just changed into my pjs and took my pill..My anti depressants if youre curious.Its been a tough weekend who am i kidding every day of my life is a daily struggle, trying to fight this off and its hard.I havent had time for myself lately, havent been able to wright my feelings out and no wonder ive been crying every day again.Everythings been tough for me ever since you and i ..you know..I have a picture of my mom and i by my my bed on my night stand right next to where i sleep.I look at it every time, and i get lost. I look at myself when i was young and extremely happy.I was only 15.When i look at the picture i get a nostalgic feeling but i also feel pure sadness inside.I always wish i could go back in time, if i could only go back in time i swear i would do everything differntly, but wouldnt anyone? I look at myself now and i dont see that girl anymore. I changed alot in 4 years and im not sure if for good.Its hard for me to look at the picture everyday because i feel like i failed myself. I would of never thought that id be going through what ive been going through.Back then i was so happy full of life. And now its a struggle to even get up in the morning because i dont desire to get up and see people and deal with everything that life comes with. I want to stay locked in my room with my own thoughts with my music with my tears i want to be left alone. There has been times i wish to not ever wake up because im just fed up.I talk to God everyday and i beg him to lead me to the right path. I dont know how many times ive cried while i prayed to him.How did i get here? How did it get this bad?  i dont understand. You had a huge impact in my life ( If you didnt know well now you do) to me you were everything, i remember when i first started to talk to you i would smile every time i would receive a txt from you it felt like the butterflies it really did. It was amazing. It felt so good to have someone that loved you ( thats what you made me believe).After we 1st met that time at the mall i felt extremly lucky to have a man that actually cared for ME i felt like i could count on you. You made me think i was the baddest and the only one for you which made me feel amazing but i hate how naive i was, i believed everything you said to me.To me age never mattered, actally felt like it was meant to be. I though of my grandparents age gap and i thought ''were just like them'' you actually remind me of my grandpa i wont get into detail on that though.Anyway, over time you confused me, you made it seem like age didnt matter to you but at the same time it did. Made me start to doubt you ''why doesnt he want me'' ''why doesnt he let me be around''.  Of course over the years i figured what it really was i mean you still act the same way, you never did want to be seen with me. As the years went by i still held it down i guess i was still there. I remember always watching ''Love & Hip Hop'' and seeing these women get cheated on made me feel bad, and i swear i would think to myself '' thank God he would never cheat on me'' i still felt like i was really the only one in your life haha the only one you were texting, telling ''your beautiful'' or ''I love you''.I thought  was lucky.Later i realised things werent how they seemed to be. Yyou started to go MIA more and seemed to forget about me, i still loved you though, i remember those nights were i just wondered what you could be doing.I missed you immensely and i started to feel sad. But you always came around again and made some bullshit story and kissed my ass a little and that made me fall right back into your palm. It sucks how it all turned out, all the shit i thought was real and genuine was untrue and evil.My world started falling apart from the moment i found out who you really were, that was like a big slap in the face, i felt embarrassed and ashamed, i never like to remember those traumatic days but they eventually cross my mind from time to time, i remember that day i was on the phone with my cousin, she was telling me about her trip in mexico, i had to hang up and start crying and tell myself over and over ''this cant be happening'' ''na this cant be true''. Thats were you and i went down hill...I felt like after what was said and done , you wanted me around so i wouldnt snitch you out, but how blind could you be after all you did deserve it but i wouldve never done it to you. I was truly hurt and i sure did say some mean things but i know deep down you knew what type of girl you were dealing with, you knew i was crazy about you. Sadly i took you back, thinking you really wanted to be with me, but in reality you were just scared.  I never fully healed from that wound, we both just put a bandage over it. Trying to get comfortable to the new you was extrremly hard i still to this day dont really see you as him, i see you as xavier im just being honest. Yyou never gave me the time to heal it i never got the chance to when i suddnely got hit with a fucking bullet with the worst news ever. Thats when everything came crashing down my life the dreams i had vanished i could not believe you were lying to me about everything, everything you age your name your social netwroks the girls. I felt like it was all a bad dream like when the fuck am i going to wake up!!
I never woke up.  Im still here living this reality. As i write this my tears fall down my face and im truly still hurt inside, im sure youve always had the girls there, but i cant move on. Im stuck on you and i dont know when it will get better. Im so desperate i dont want to feel the pain, you dont understand hoew real this shit is. After finding that out i honestly wanted you to fight for me, like that day we met to ''talk'' that was actually my Prom night and i didnt go because before i found out you said not to, and of course it was to late to go find a dress and i was so sad i wouldnt of enjoyed myself.Instead of being at prom i was with you! Trying to figure it all out hoping for an expanation an apology a genuine apology, i wanted you to fucking fight for me, I realised i was not what you wnated when you left me crying on the corner of my apartments, i flashed back to the other day i confronted you you left but you came back, but that was only because you were scared, this time i was 18 and you didnt come back. I was broken one of the worst days i ever expirienced.Could not beleive you walked out like that, that told me evreything.After that i moved away to my new home i wanted to leave all the negative in that city all the memories and start new but it was hard when you were constantly texting me bullshit. I  was truly hurt and dissapointed, at this point i chaged i was not the same ever again, i would snap easily i grew bitter and angry with the world having sad attacks in public, running to the car becuase i coouldnt handle being out in public.Youll never undertsand how much damage you caused me, im scarred for life, you were my first love, but you took that away from me, you ruined the dreams i had, all the genuine feelings i felt for you all gone. I know you never loved me, it took me a lot to accept that, it was never love,i dont know what it was, lust?
i dont know maybe you like ruining young girls like me i dont know. I really dont know you, you never let me, you never gave me the chance to actualy be with you and i hate you for that. This wa so disfunctional i was so young i didnt know if the shit you were doing was right.When you came back the 2nd time around after the weeknd Concert, i was hoping you would tell me ''lets make up for all the time we lost ,lets start all over'' but no i dont even think you were expecting me to respond to you stupid text ( asking me for some shoes like really?) nothing youve done was genuine.
But i gave in anyway thinking you would change like always i failed myself again by giving you my body like if you deserved it i knew  i was only hurting myself even more but i just love you so much that i tried to make it work again but it was obvious how you felt,I wish you would of sacrifaced atleast a little for me, i did a lot to show and prove you that i genuinly loved you but that didnt matter, i guess i wasnt just that amazing like those other girls you had i cant make you love me and i cant make you change.I knew i wasnt what you really wanted when you didnt even bother in asking how i was doing,where was i working,where was i going to school what was new with me, you never asked and that hurt.It took me so much to accpet the fact that you just dont care and thats why Im done trying ive fought for this love for a long time and you never did, i mean why would you if you feel nothing for me.If only it was all a bad dream and i was still 15 and i woke up from this night mare but its not,I think what really killed me was that none of it was real, and how much time i invested how much time i waited for a ''love'' that i thought was everything.Everything changed when i lost my virginity to you my world fell apart nothing has been the same since.Its all fucked up idk what how to even express it anymore. Its my reality im almost twenty not a ''teen'' anymore and im still hurting, i push you away because i dont want you to hurt me anymore i cant do it anymore ive hit my breaking point ive tried everything ahmed church daily visits with the physcologist and nothing helps so ive decided to get on anti depressants they also help me sleep i use to not sleep at all actually.I dont care if you agree with it or not its your fault why im here do you think i want to be on meds? do you think i want to be sad? its not my fucking fault its yours now if it fucking makes me feel better let me take it.Im away right now had to get away from the bullshit tryng to find peace and treat this illness i have that i wont mention to someone who doesnt care at all, ill be back soon though for the holidays, I still wish and i still dream that one day... i dont know
i still love you though and lately i have been crying a lot again you are truly missed but its better this way...
 i dont know what else to say
 you take care ahmed
  With Love karla xo