Letter: My Nightmare

How on earth could i be so naive for crying out loud!
Why Why Why! is all i ask myself every single day 
I cant help
I cant help but cry every night to think that a man that i loved so much betrayed me the way he did
it kills me, no one will ever understand this pain.
How could you be so cruel?
How could you waste my time like that?
How could you tell me you loved me, give me roses kiss me and hug me.
Tell me i was the one you wanted to marry.
How could you do that to someone who never tried to hurt you in any shape or form
HOW!!
HOW COULD YOU?
ALL I EVER DID WAS GIVE YOU LOVE AND ATTENTION AND TRY TO UNDERSTAND YOU
AND STILL LOVE YOU WITH ALL OF YOUR FLAWS HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME HOW FUCKEN COULD YOU! HOW !
I WAITED 3 YEARS FOR WHAT?
YOU TOOK MY VIRGINITY WAS THAT YOUR PLAN ALL ALONG? POOR LITTLE GIRL
Was that all you wanted ? to bang a little virgin girl? was it?
I only disappointed myself. I think what hurts me the most is staying with you for 3 years  and thinking that after i turned 18 things would change, that all that time i waited would finally pay off  i was completely W R O N G !
oh my god i was wrong all along it was all a trap 
After i turned 18
i found out you were never being faithful to me, never loved me, never cared for me
Now i realized how you never found me being young a big deal, i mean you are 30 years old 
i wonder how many other young girls you did this to before 
It never was  a  big deal to you but it was to me 
because i thought it was some type of  unique love story 
where a young girl found true love with a older man sort of like a
 a forbidden love story stupid as fuck....
that's how i always felt about us, but to you it was nothing now i understand why.
I now know that you only enjoyed me because i was young and easy to control
and you loved it every single moment of it.
You loved telling me what to do and put me down like if i was some type of child.
I only wished i would have found out earlier way before i fell in love 
i would have never had this issue, i would have been at peace
and still be a virgin. You took that away from me.. my dreams everything you crushed it
What is left?
I dont know , my heart? What heart?
I dont know what is left
i feel completely empty and thats sad
how you sucked the life right out of me
I haven't  been myself since 2/27/14  ALMOST a year
this is crazy and i need help because i refuse to end up like you 
old, lonely, heartless and cruel 
I just want to be happy you understand?
You see , youre out there living your life Not caring
getting at bitches fucking bitches
But im all the way over here, at the other side of the bay.
Im here crying every night thinking of how things ended 
thinking of the  night i lost it
thinking of the first time i met you 
thinking of the times you said you loved me
thinking thinking thinking thinking IM FUCKING tired of thinking of you !
And you dont think of me at all
I don't know what to do i feel trapped !
I just want to know when will i be better ?
When will i finally be at peace with myself WHEN !
WHEN AM I GOING TO FORGIVE 
when am i going to be able to say im happy
My worst fear was to get fucked and lied to ,
and walah it happened 
i never thought of you cheating on me i trusted you so much and felt like you truly loved ME
i felt like it was real i felt like we had something special 
I thought i was the only one that interested you i felt special it was amazing at the time i felt like the happiest girl in the ENTIRE WORLD !
You couldve done anything else but i never expected you would be cheating
 I should listened to my friend about you, That was when i accused you of cheating months before i found out . you denied it ''why would i want something used when i have something beautiful and pure right here'' thats were you got me and thats when i should've left right if only i had known
 the whole truth if only.
As i write this i take a moment to listen to the rain fall from the sky, i look in the mirror and all  i see is my red eyes, and tears running down my face
Im tired and im aching, my heart , my body just everything.
Im tired! im tired of it all.
You see after this whole storm i still yet can believe
that i have some type of little hope in me that this could all be a bad dream.
More like a night mare, A night mare i wish to wake up from.
And Once i do
Me and you only get stronger and unstoppable 
theres  more love less tears, more champagne and less fights
and in the end us being happily married AT LAST!
But Thats the dream and the reality is my nightmare.