Dear  Ahmed,
I know you probably hate my guts right about now for what I said the other day and I just want to say is that I'm sorry. I lost my temper all I wanted was to crush you with my words. Like if my words had the ability to remove the pain i've been feeling for a long time. It isn't like me to act this way but you know when i've had enough i break and that day i just couldn't deal with the things i kept seeing and i just lost it once again. I also really wanted you to stop texting me so i felt the need to say those words i thought it could make you stay away for good. The other thing i wanted to tell you is that I AM NOT engaged to anyone and i do not have a boyfriend and I'm definitely NOT speaking to any men right at this moment in my life, the main reason why i said that was because AGAIN I wanted you to just stop texting me and leave me alone. I really overthinked about writing this letter to you. I don't know what else to say to be honest what else can i say? i just wish that all of this was a big nightmare to be honest. I wish i could be 15 again.. i wish i can go back in time and change things but the reality of it all is that i can't and its not a bad dream and this is real and im embarrassed about it all. I can sit here and say that I'm much more disappointed in myself after all. I was the one who should've known better. I shouldn't have let myself go when i met you. I should've left along time ago, back when you had said girls were taking you to dinner( you had been MIA from me like always) I didn't want to believe it I was falling in love at the time and i was just so young and naïve that I didn't want to think you were with other women I should've left then or like the time when you went missing for 2 months and you were supposedly in ''jail'' i look back now and i just know, that was just another of your lies, i bet you don't even remember that but i do. I remember EVERYTHING everything because you were important and i loved you so fucking much and god its ridiculous how much i still love you but i wish i didn't, things wouldn't be this way right now if i didn't. I honestly thought we were going to have something real and solid but over time i started to see the truth, the truth of it all, the nasty truth that broke me into a million pieces. That truth i didn't want to accept and later i came to realize that this whole relationship was a lie, nothing you said was real. I literally lived  thinking you where the most amazing person on earth until u hurt me and abused me.The person i could count on , my back bone, my everything, truth was i couldn't count on you it was all in my mind.But it was just me, by myself  at night dreaming of us together spending time, traveling doing things i wish i could've done with the person i thought loved me. I dreamed we got married once, also that we had 2 twin boys, crazy im to young for kids but it was just all a dream. Of course its something i would one day wanted to have with someone that i thought loved me. Its always been you, you are the one i think about, the one i care about, the one i would always worry about, the one i would always try to please and make happy it was always about you and that's were i fucked up. I forgot about myself in this relationship. I was doing so much to show a person (you) how much i rocked for them that i missed that you hadn't showed me anything at all. Overall im just really really fucking disappointed with you. Im disappointed in myself for believing everything you told me and for trusting you so much and for still having a little fucking hope for a miracle to fucking happen, disappointed because i know you will never change you'll never stop doing you, you'll never stop chasing these young girls, you'll never want to settle down and have something real by your side, you'll never accept the truth that you hurt me,  you'll never have the courage to even apologize to me for everything ,you'll  just never regret a single thing you've done. And i think what really hurts me the most is knowing i was just one of the rest of the young girls you go after. After 3 years i now know i was never important that i was just that other girl you had saved in your contacts. I wont lie though, i do pray to God every night for you and me, so he can help and give me the strength i need to overcome this horrible moment in my life and so he can help you but ill just stop praying for you because that's just another dream that wont ever come true