.3

                                                   3

I understood things better i tried my best not to fall for the bs I knew he was lying to me half the time but i never wanted to say a word about it. I didn't want to start drama or piss him off, simply because i love him and deep down inside i still have hope. As crazy as it sounds i never have lost hope. I honestly hope that one day he will change for the better and love me the way i was suppose to be loved, and be treated the way i was suppose to be treated.

But fuck that I couldn't stay quiet for long Not going to lie I started being a rebel and I started giving him attitude whenever he would piss me off i wouldn't stay quiet anymore like I would before. In the begging it shocked him and he hated it.
Him:''Relax i love you''  I realized that he would just say it because he didn't want to deal with my emotions. Eventually i finally took out all that anger i had built inside towards him, it was a good thing to do in my part but a downfall was that these would turn into massive fights and we both wouldn't speak to each other for weeks. There was no need for it to go that far but it wasn't a surprise for me how he went missing all the time and I was used to it as much and didnt understand why it happened.

This one time I remember he said
"i don't like you getting all fucken brave with me or start talking shit, you can do that to others but not to me you hear me !?" 
I didnt mean to be mean it just happend I was just tired of him treating me like a piece of shit. I did try to change that though only because I didnt want to keep upsetting him so I just took it. He could be fucked up to me but If I said something all hell would break loose.

He was the way he was period he was a hypocrite and he admitted it one night we were together 
Me: "Youre such a fucken hypocrite " 
Him:"Youre right I'm a big hypocrite so what ? "


The only time i would see a different side of him is when he wanted to do something sexual with me. And I feel like when he acts nice
 things are soooooo good between us ! but its always just a temporary thing and yet i loved every moment it lasted he did have his loving moments and i truly just wished they lasted.

He is always telling me what to do all the time and what " not to do"  like how I shouldn't talk to men and meet up with them in person. Or let myself believe what these guys tell me. He was very against social media he hated it dont know why?.
''I fucken hate all these social networks shit and all these Tv shows they are so stupid''
Honestly i didnt understand why he would even say these things to me 1st of all he was talking about himself because we met online... big hypocrite...and plus why would i be talking to other men if i was in a relationship?  Like What does this exactly mean? Is he talking to other women? or did he just love the feeling of having power over someone so young or was it love and jeleousy? it just didn't add up, sometimes he acted like an asshole but at the same time it seemed like he really cared for me and sadly i might never really know, just like the song says ''And only I can know how close you came'' i guess he will be the only one who knows the actual truth about it all.


  I truly love him so much and i want to be happy with him he is what I want deep down. The love i feel inside is real. I want him to be my one and only. He thought the same way, he wanted to be the only one. "Who do you belong to?" He'd say " youre mine i don't give a fuck what you say"

This makes me think he truly cares ughhhhh i love him!! when things are good they are just to good and when they are bad well you know they're really bad . I feel like one day he is so good to me but the next day he will mess it all up. His attitude and the way he talked to me it made me feel so intimidated and the way he handled certain situations in the relationship. I dont know what to think dam...
Is he really in love with me! ? Thoughts always run though my head and it always leads to over thinking and over thinking leads to more "unnecessary" drama. The only thing i want is for him to act right I didn't care about the rest, i didn't care if he was the way he was with other people.
 I know something is wrong with him but he nevers really opens up to me

One day at last some how i officially stopped talking to him for maybe about 2 months as much as i loved him i didn't want to think of him anymore not even remember him maybe just as a bad memory and well who knows what he thought of, maybe i didn't even cross his mind at all during those 2 months.
I tried to start meeting people and going out a bit with some friends and started enjoying life again as many of you would say i had began ''a new life'', it was a fresh new start finally after a year ! but in the back of my mind he was there. i still loved him no matter what but i did think this was it. 

But he came back around after 2 months, and he seemed calm 
Him:"how you been ?" 
Me:''Okay and you ?" 
Him:''I've been ok missing you " 
me:''i guess " 
i  wanted to keep it short and dry, i wanted to show him that i could actually LIVE without him. He later asked 
Him:"Have you talked to any guys ?" 
Me:"Oh my god here we go why are you asking me this?" 
Him:"Just tell me please! i won't get mad " 
Me:"Yes but they are just friends though why? and you?" 
Him:''Just chics taking me out to dinner " I believed it and it made ME upset i didn't know what to think and i definitely didn't want to think the worst. I tried to act like i didn't care. But inside it was killing me i didn't understand if we were broken up or if that meant that he cheated on me and i sure didn't like the feeling of this at all.
Me:"OK". 
Soon after this had happened he was going to try anything and everything to get me back under his wing and it was well done! he got what he wanted just like he ALWAYS did, i went back to him but this was no surprise of course nothing new that I went running back to his arms! young and IN LOVE and still is till this day 2013.

 But fuck things were the same he hadn't changed one bit and i was about to turn 16. We are one week apart from birth and we didn't even wish each other happy birthday it wasn't my fault anyway he was MIA like always so i thought "why even bother" My birthday was coming up the following week and nothing no message no call...i heard nothing from him..  i was upset but i wasn't surprised. 2 weeks later he reports him self talking about how he wanted to see me  before he left to Boston.
"No i can't I'm busy sorry why are you going to Boston this time?'' 
Him:''Some shit don't worry about it " 
Me:''Well when do you leave? " 
Him:" Tomorrow'' 
we never ended up planing anything so we didn't meet up the day before he left, the next day he texted me saying he wanted to see me
Me:''But aren't you leaving today?'' 
Him :''Na''
Me''Why not?'' 
Him:"Because im going to miss you"
Me:''Um no whats the real reason? " 
Him:''Cause i just didn't dam!"
i didn't ask no more questions since he was getting angry for no reason

The end of the school year was near and I wasn't excited since i had summer school, I've been really fucking up lately and I need to pull through if I want to graduate and he wasn't aware of it (and you know he always needed to know what was going on)He was dying to see me and wanted to take me out to San Francisco and make an all day big event for me in his words...
Me:"But i have summer school "
 Him:"What? what days and what time are you off ?''
Me:''I can skip a day for you though but i got a little job "
 Him:''You got a job ? ! the fuck! were at ?''
Me:'' No where, so let me know if we are going to hang out or not so i can know what days ?
Him:''Were you get a job at ?! with who and where !? and well okay let me check my schedule and ill let you know" 
Me:"Can you relax! but Ok "
Him:" Aight peace"

I  was lying about the job I just wanted him to know he wasnt my priority hella stupid I know idk i guess I wanted attention. I soon started summer school and we finally came to an agreement. I was going to miss half of the school day to go out with him for the "all day event" he'd planned i was so excited about it!!
I carried on and went to 1st period but wasn't going to go to 2nd.  During break i called him but no answer. I sent him a text message and no reply i knew what this was, he was flaking on me again. He never returned none of my calls or messages so i knew we werent going to see each other at all. I was extremely upset but wasn't surprised. He messaged me a few days later giving a lame excuse but of course i forgave him and got over it and i never went San Francisco with him.

What would you do if you were in this situation ? I'm sure you'll say "ill leave him " i wish i could but "its to late now" feelings are involved and many memories have been made but that's not an excuse, i know i deserve the world and everything in it just like he'd promised me in the beginning but what did he do instead? just hurt me fuck



Summer vacation was coming to an end and i was preparing for the new school year just like he'd like. He likes the type of girl who is a GOOD "pure" girl. Not a hoe OR ''ghetto'' and if i ever did something he didn't like he was going to correct me. I cant stress enough how many times he has mentioned me being young and pure i think it turns him on ugh...  i think if he could make me wear a hijab he would.  I feel like he is that crazy and since he wanted me all to himself. He was like the boss and i always have to obey and listen to him and i think he loves the feeling of having so much power over someone like me.
Also apart from being very demanding he was very sexual too but i mean what guy isn't right or what? idk its annoying as fuck though
 Him:'' You're my princess i would kill anyone who hurts you''.



"We want to stop men from treating us like sex objects, as they have always done. We want them to ignore our appearance and to be attentive to our personalities and mind. We want them to take us seriously and treat us as equals and not just chase us around for our bodies and physical looks." 

 I can relate much to this statement when it comes to him and ill explain why, i think the main reason why he chose me is mainly because of the physical i feel like a sex object to him he talks about sex 24 7 its annoying as fuck dude always talking about how young and pure I am and that I must be really tight..

Me:'' Why did you even start talking to me?''
 Him:''Cause you're a fucken bombshell !'' 
'bombshell' means an extremely sexually woman;one that is sensationally amazing and of course someone who is very attractive and that again.... made me doubt the relationship it makes me uncomfortable it's annoying as fuck dude like ask me about my interests.

Fuck i feel like he just loves me for the looks eveN though i dont feel pretty but i do feel special because he is into me. I just want him to love me for me and for the inside. I almost felt like i wanted to start dressing me more conservative when i was around him. He claimed he adored me for being pure for the way i was, for the way i carried myself.

When we both met i told him i was a virgin and i wanted to loose it on my wedding day with that special someone. This was like music to his ears at the time. He didn't and doesn't want anyone with baggage he claimed but after time went by he wanted to be more intimate and wanted to make ''love to me'' but then he would take it back and say
Him:'' I dont want to do that to you, we will wait ''  
it confused me and after a while we started doing other sexual things

He made it seem like i was filled with treasures or something like im so special but yet treats me like shit Every time he fucks up he comes back begging to take him back sadly realizing to late when he already has broken my heart into a billion of pieces. He begs to give him another chance, why though? is it because he cant find another virgin that will give him the time of day? or is it because he thinks im a one in a million type of girl?

 When we i met him i was modeling quince/ party dresess i was doing expo shows. I remember modeling in the living room as a little girl. SO it felt pretty cool to actually do it foreall! My 1st show was at 14 then my dad started bringing me down about it so i kind stopped and he did too but i mostly stopped because of him. I would get upset and cry to him about it and he would always support , but after a while he started to think like my dad he wasn't into it anymore, either i left it or he was going to run my modeling career and make sure no guys were around he wanted to be manager and manage all photo shoots and ect. He is so extra i didnt even need a manager its never been this serious
''i don't want you doing that no more ,i don't want you to be like the rest of these hoes wanting to be models and groupies na fuck that you gotta be something real'' and I basically stoppre because he made me feel bad both my sad dnd him I was 15back then

  Honestly he is very controlling and over protective. Like chill out you're not my dad dude fuck. For example i was out one night at newark days with friends, And he wanted me home asap. He was upset because he'd found out i was taking care of drunk friends at the park and was getting pressured to smoke weed.
Him:" You're fucken stupid and naive yourE so weak minded these aren't your friends.
REAL friends won't fucken pressure you to smoke or drink you better stop hanging out with those hoes you hear me !!" yelling at me over the phone, i swore he was about to come out the phone and eat me alive he was livid!.
He clicked on me and i ended up staying the whole night I honestly just wanted to live a little fuck. But he made me feel so bad for just even hanging out with friends other times. Nothing I did was right

The next morning i received a call from him
Him:"So what the fuck did you do last night? you got drunk!!!???"
Me:''No i just smoked (1st time I did)
Him:''What the fuck dude are you kidding me!!?? You're fucken gross why'd you fucken smoke?!" 
Me: "Can you stop yelling at me oh my god i don't know so i just did " 
Him:"Ohh so your friends pressured you? Do you not have a voice what the fuck! youre supposed to fucken say, no ! That you don't want to smoke that shit but no you let your friends pressure you ! your little ass friends fucken bums! your so fucken naive !!"'.
He gave me the biggest lecture EVER that morning. 
He was supper angry

Me:"Can i ask you something? " 
Him:''What!" 
Me:" Are we okay now?" 
Him:''No what the fuck you did some dumb shit acting like a hoe"
pretty much sums up how he would talk to me when I didnt follow his rules I was fuckin tired of it all he did was control me and make me feel bad


Anyways..My grandpa was sick and my mom and i decided to go pay him a visit out in mex. Iwas going to be gone for maybe 2 weeks or so and so i didn't get to see babe before i left ,all what was said was "i love you".
When i came back he was 'happy' that i was finally back ,he told me he loved  and missed me so much! it made me happy knowing that he'd missed me it made me feel amazing inside but later things got back to normal nothing new just the same old bss

Like always, i would cry myself to sleep about the relationship with him idk nam I'm tired of this like why is it so hard?

''You're not even a real Aquarius you're a half! youre not suppose to care about shit! like me!!!
 You're supposed to be an Aquarius Why are you so emotional " he'd say shit like this all the time when I would express to him how I felt about things. And honestly that was really hurtful to me...
I would say 'because i fucken love you dam thats why ! " that  would piss me off i would start ripping pictures of him and Would blast music and take the longest showers and start thinking, thinking of him of course, wishing id never met him ! He was so ruthless about everything and it was annoying,i didn't understand why he was the way he was and i hated when he would bring up the zodiac sign i knew that wasn't the reason why he was so cold blooded i felt like there was something else. I grew the balls and i  decided to ignore him this time and let the brain function instead of the heart taking over the situation,


On a late Saturday night i received a text from 
Him:"i miss you"  
me:"okay " 
Him:''I'm sorry i fucked up i love you forgive me "  this shocked me since he never really apologized for ANYTHING he'd done. I started feeling butterflies i was happy that he realized ! and of course went back to him In a heart beat but fuck Nothing changed though just because he apologized didn't mean he was going to change and that's something i later realized during class one day

 Shortly the holidays were here and thanksgiving was around the corner, i  of course was going to spend it  with my family like how everyone else does on holidays, that day he texted me
Him:''I want you to come to dinner at my brothers house so you can meet them " i thought he'd lost his mind but then again thought
 ''Aww how cute is he !'' 1st i couldn't just leave with him on thanksgiving day and not go with my family  and plus my parents dont know we're going out. And 2nd It was his FAMILY! something pretty serious and it made me think wow im really important I am important I'm his girl!.. but sadly i ended up celebrating thanksgiving day with my parents and not with my man, surprisingly he didn't get angry  for not wanting to go. But we did text throughout the day <3