12/8/2012
Deep down inside i felt like im probably not the only one and it really saddenes me but in the end these were only thoughts.Things got worse and i felt like the connection we had ...died.
I tried to get away and have fun with my friends but when id ask him or tell him about it
he'd get really mad at me. And say things like "Naw FUCK THAT why do you want to go out? You're tripping! you're staying home! you understand1? "
It makes me feel like he truly cares about me and i always do what he says. Because i dont want him to yell at me and get mad.
I didn't hear from him for a while, for a month and a half to be exact. I would call him, text him and no answer. I was supppppper confused i didnt understand what was going on and i started to feel like i did something wrong ''what in the world is going on? well maybe its really over this time''. I didn't know how to feel? to be sad or glad? since this was the man i loved and i felt so heart broken. The 1st man i ever kissed i wanted it to work but i guesss not. There was days i would receive private calls but i never answered any of them. I finally came to accpet the fact that he was gone and he wasn't going to be in my life anymore so i tried moving on. I still love him and still wonder.
One late afternoon while i took a hot long shower thinking about life, school, friends and family.
My thoughts suddenyl got disrupted when i hear my cell phone ring. I turn the shower off and i look over to see who was calling. I immidietly recognize the number and realize its him! i thought about answering or not.
"Hello who's this ?"(acting like i didn't know)
Him:"its Xavier "
Me: What do you want? why are you calling me after all these months were have you been?
Him " I was locked up "
Me:'' I don't believe you stop lying to me"
Him: ''I'm not! what the fuck i even had the homies call you up and tell you ,you can even ask them yourself yo". I stood quiet for a second and i remembered about all those private calls i was getting all the time and believed him.
He told me he had been caught up with some ''stuff'' in his homies car, but i didn't understand why he was in jail for that long? he really never made it clear or wanted to talk about it so i never knew or understood or maybe he was lying the whole time.
After that i guess you can say they things went back to normal between us. But things still didn't change it seemed like he'd never went away and made a change in himself. But he was sweet sometimes
These are the times i dont lose hope and i believe he actually does love me. When he would say "i love you " id always break down crying and ask myself ''is this real or not?'' it gets me mad and sad.
I look in the mirror and stare myself while i cry. I don't see myself i see him in the mirror.
Why can't this be a normal relationship why why!!!!?" In my mind he is the only one for me. I love him so much that i would do anything for him.
I honestly feel like he is so hard to understand i could never find the right words to describe him. He's a very smart guy he seems to know everything like he has an answer to everything. And he always talks about how smart he is the other day he mentioned that strangers he would chat with would say things like ''Wow you are really smart have you ever gotten your IQ checked?'' He would always tells me ''i wasn't suppose to be born in this generation y'all are to slow for me i'm on some other shit! im way ahead ''
i would laugh but im not going to lie he made me feel itimidated and stupid. I guess i look up to him too because he knows everything.
This time he left town to go to New York and i received a call from him
''hello''
Him:'' Hey what are you doing?''
'' nothing just got home and you? ''
Him:''Just here in New York at a bar, Niggas is buying me drinks Because im from Cali ha i'm a swag god son you already know, Yoo well i just called to check up on you. I gotta go meet up with wu-tang in a bit ' ummm in my head I'm like ok he is way to cocky and sounds dumb he must've been drunk
I didn't say much i didnt know what to say i was shocked that he didnt even tell me he was going to new york and the things he would said where so silly but he was so serious. Idk its just weird
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'' I don't want no used and abused bitch. I want a fresh new virgin that has good morals '' Honestly that made me feel wanted and desired and i feel a little better about things. The things he says convince me to believe that i am the only one. He always says how picky he is with the women he dates he supposedly only date women who are aquarius ( like me) i thought...'' well he needs me ! im an aquarius!!
Im a virgin and a good girl, so you know he loves everything about me. He also loves the way i dress and the fact that im young and pure
something he always says!!
One day he randomly told me this
''Me and you together shhhhhhit Unstoppable people be breaking there necks saying who the fuck are those people'' it sounds kinda of stupid but it made me feel cool and wanted. But i know these are just words and he doesnt really prove to me that he loves me he hurts me instead. It just never gets better and if it is it doesnt last for long. I feel like i always make excuses for him. He always goes missing and i always think and say ''He's probably out of town again or is probably busy and doesn't have time to hang out or talk ''.
I always lie to myself and i believe it at times. I didn't want to think negative and start over thinking things get sad and start crying as much as i tried to avoid it, it always happens
The night was dark and i was in my room with the lights off and the candles were glowing.
The rain was pouring that night and i started thinking, remembering, crying about how everything happened how it all started.'' I'm so stupid why am i still here taking his shit? why why? i hate this i thought everything would be like the color pink and red warm & loving not the color black and grey cold&distant. I shouldn't have never fell for his shit, he just wants to control me and my life he thinks he owns me like if im some toy and he's always talking about sex! its fucken annoying like fuck. It just isn't right this isn't love this isn't healthy and i need to get away before things get worse. I just hate everything i want to be loved and be happy is that to much to ask for ?
Looking out the window watching the rain i cried and i cried until my eyes were red. I felt like i was depressed, my grades started going down and there is drama at home its just not a good moment
I tried to leave him many times but he would never let that happen.
Him: ''You're mine! you like it or not!'' He never let me go. I begged him to leave me alone, he ruined everything with his negative personality like everything got bitter and sad when i talked to him about anything. And i had enough of it but to bad because he would always come back begging me when he noticed i was being distant with him. He would try to kiss my ass and yea sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't most of the time it worked and i always believed him and trusted in him.
''Im sorry for everything i love you'' he'd say
Me:'' leave me the fuck alone you don't make me happy please understand !''
Him :''Ugh im such a fucken prick ''
He'd admit he was an ass but made no changeso like wtf!
ONE YEAR later 2013 We're still in the same chapter nothing has changed after so long. Sad to say but i am use to it now. I still hurt but i feel like its normal to be treated that way.
He always puts me down. He is bitter and mean. The other day he told me about the girls he dated in the past ''oh yea i use to date car models ''
''like why are you telling me this i don't want to know'' obviously he's older than me so when we argue or if im right about something he tells me to shut up and calls me a lil kid or lil girl your so immature i dont got time for these high school games'' or would even call me DUMB. When i feel like i cant take it anymore i lash out and i say ''ok then fucken leave ! leave me alone and go find someone mature enough''then he'd say ''Na your tripping your mine!!! you aren't going no were you understand'' He was basically all a lie, always promised me the world ,promised me he would protect me promised to love me no matter what he even promised me an engagement ring / promise ring but he never kept none of those promises its was all talk.
It just hurts because i trust him and i tell him everything about everything, but it seems like he really doesnt care. But at times it seems like he does though. See this is just the part i never understood he acts all tough and shit but theres days he shows he cares? doesn't like to show his feelings most of the time he is cold with me. And the worst he hates expressing his feelings and i always struggle to have him try express i always bug until he gives me something.
He has that "i don't give a fuck" attitude and he's admitted it too.
For example one day i was having a horrible day i was fighting with my dad r and of course Xavier too , i was in the car with my dad in the car and i get off while dad is still driving i drop my fone while getting off ,i pick it up and run home.
Crying and trying to take deep breaths i calls him to no surprise he doesn't answer of course. I immediately sends him a text message telling him what had happen.
he quickly called back asking " YO what's going on ?" while im crying i let everything out ,
he comforts me and tells to ignore my dad and that everything was going to be fine and much more other things. I felt a lot better and i loved that he'd actually been there.
Times like these is when i know its real and that he loves me .This wasn't the only time he'd done things like this, it was just shocking and unexpected for me sometimes. I just didn't know what was next with him.
BUT since he is insensitive about everything he HATED the fact that i was sensitive
Him :"You need to be strong and not give a fuck about what people say about you" sometimes i feel like hes my mentor ...and well relationships are based off being there and pushing you and tell you whats right ect.
Him :"If someone says your ugly don't get mad laugh at their fucken face and say ohh really !, thank you for telling me" and he's right you shouldn't care at all, who are they to say ?
I noticed he is really aggressive when he talks , he ALWAYS ALWAYS givees me one lectures about life. And i always try to take them serious cause i knew he was right since he is older\. Till this day i always keeps in mind all those lectures.
Him :"You need closure with what happen when you were younger or else you'll end up having mental break down you need to take care of it".
One of the things he told me once while we were in his car one night in fremont. He was right about the Break down part but he also said that was a big issue in 0ur relationship. He actually wanted to take a break in the relationship for me to get ''help'' (But i knew that it was bullshit he just wanted to be fuckin someone else and use that as an excuse ) i didn't know how to take it at the moment i thought ''Well aren't you suppose to be my back bone and be There for me while i'm trying to get better from all my problems'' i didn't get to say it but the whole issue got me upset ,i just remained quiet that night and tno we never actually took "a break" but he' still go missing here and there probably fucking bitches lets be real now.
One day i sent him a picture after several day of not talking
''turning into a beautiful Ass fucking woman'' he said after he received the picture,
