Hello dolls My name is Karla im a freshman at Newark Memorial High School i live in Newark this is my blog and i like talking about fashion, poetry and random things about my personal life i guess like a diary not sure if i will get any readers on here. School is ok but its been hard to pass classes lately. I love Persian kittens i use to have one but it ran away and i think my neighbor took him in ugh! and tbh life has been insane lol idk like hs is hella different I feel like intimidated by everyone there. Everyone seems to know everyone except me and idk it makes me feel like shit.... I turned 15 on February 8th and had a quincenera before moving to Bridgeport apartments i was honestly devastated leaving my house but my parents had a foreclosure or whatever its called. Like a month in living in my new home i was online it was around April.. i met a guy he is like 21yrs old... kinda old i know .. his name is Xavier he is hela fine idk how he is interested in me..I never really thought it would ever become anything more then it did.
I finally decided to meet up, i was extremely nervous about it and a bit scared. I had never met anyone off the internet so i didnt not know what to expect.
I waited for him outside the mall.
he calls me
Xavier: "Were are you "?
me:'' I'm outside waiting"
Xavier: "okay come to the parking lot keep walking straight i see you "
i spot his car and immediately felt a weird vibe like if i had already knew this person from long ago maybe I'm trippin lol...
I walk towards his black lexus.
He had the window down, he looked at me and smiled.
Xavier:''get in''
i wasn't sure if i wanted to get in the car i didn't feel very comfortable I was HELLLLLLLLLLLLAAAA nervous,
i found him very attractive it made me be hella shy.
''Um no can i just get in the back seat?''
Xavier looks back
Xavier: "uhh mmm no i have all this laundry crap in the back"
he calls me
Xavier: "Were are you "?
me:'' I'm outside waiting"
Xavier: "okay come to the parking lot keep walking straight i see you "
i spot his car and immediately felt a weird vibe like if i had already knew this person from long ago maybe I'm trippin lol...
I walk towards his black lexus.
He had the window down, he looked at me and smiled.
Xavier:''get in''
i wasn't sure if i wanted to get in the car i didn't feel very comfortable I was HELLLLLLLLLLLLAAAA nervous,
i found him very attractive it made me be hella shy.
''Um no can i just get in the back seat?''
Xavier looks back
Xavier: "uhh mmm no i have all this laundry crap in the back"
I quickly made up my mind and got inside the car
i didn't want look at him i looked out the window instead (starting to get butterflies ).
i suddenly felt him touching my hand
i looked over and he kissed it and smiled ,
Next we drove off, with loud music and the windows rolled down.
We parked a place near the mall. All he did was look at me, and study me for quite a minute.
i didn't know what to think of it
"Why is he starting at me my makeup is probably a mess "
But that wasn't the reason why he stared.
Xavier: "Give me a hug show me some love baby" i hugged him feeling quite uncomfortable since we were both sitting in a car trying to hug each other.
He suddenly tries to kiss my cheek , feeling uncomfortable i moves away looking at him confused. He looked at me with his big brown eyes and a serious face.
:"Why ? ''
Xavier:."Why what?" .
: ''Why are you doing this? ,What is it that you want from me? what are we?" i just wanted to know and get straight to the point.
Xavier: " I want you and love you, if i didn't i wouldn't of got you these".
Reaching to the back seat he grabs a dozen of Red roses and hands them to me.
i was in a complete shock
" Oh my goshh !!" i felt so happy this was my first time ever getting roses from anyone, so i felt really special i gave him a very passionate hug in return.
''thank you so much they are beautiful''
both stood quiet, he reached over and put his hand over my cheek,kissed me my neck and kissed my forehead.
It was a Beautiful moment for me i felt loved for the first time by Someone.
I guess this was just a unique way to ask me out im guessing.
These roses meant a fresh new start for me
It was hellA hot in the car so i took my sweater off
Xavier: " Damm baby nice" (complementing my shirt) i giggled.
He drove back to the mall and it was time to say goodbye, something i truly did not want to do.
kissed for one last time. i got off the car quickly since it was one rainy evening he soon took off.
6 Minutes later he called me
Xavier: ''So what you think of the roses? do you like them? "
'' i love them " TBH i was falling in love and i was realizing this could be something real and amazing Xavier was falling in love too at least that's what he said. Idk it feels amazing dude idk wtf is going to happen
.. His name is Xavier Hernandez he is 21
he said he is an entrepreneur or some like that and loves music but works as a MMA instructor. He seems to be hella reserved and private and doesnt tell me much which makes my mind wonder.. he is always ''busy'', and again a very mysterious i never really know what he is up to next. I hate this.. i swore this man changed he's not the same anymore i want the old him back. I cry myself to sleep every night knowing things arent changing.
Months later i started to see a different side of him tho.. a side i had never seen before.
We didn't talk much anymore and we hadn't seen each other since that time at the mall.
He started to be mean very controlling and possessive.
This confused me
In late August 2011 i finally had the chance to see him again. He kept bugging about it and i was very disappointed with his behavior lately and what i was going to find out next was only going to make matters worse.
I would have never thought i would end up seeing him at a motel next....
A FUCKEN Motel.... he was hella different now, he wasn't sweet anymore nor caring. He wanted everything his way or no way and most of the time he got what he wanted.
He wanted to hang out in a motel because there wasn't any other place to chill since i was underage well i didnt agree i thought to myselfthere's the movies the park much more other fun things to do''its confusing
I felt so shocked about the situation and felt like a prostitute going to a motel with a man I thought loved me and cared for me. I did not feel safe at this point but
I had no choice. I was dying to see him and couldn't really do anything about it but obey.
As i walked up the stairs of the motel i thought to myself
"What is this? this isn't right why am i here? he doesn't love me he just wants to fuck me "
At this point i was upset over an argument we had in the car i did nothing and stayed quiet. I didnt want to go I got bad anxiety while waiting in the car. But he said it was to late and we were doing it!!
He opened the door....it was ghetto as fuck ugh. Two beds, one tv and a bathroom with broken dimmed lights. I sat on one of the beds near the bathroom far away from him i was tripping balls at this point..i couldn't resist and broke down crying. It was all to much for me i did not know what would happen next. I started to remember things i did not want to remember, things from when i was much younger. I'm a virgin, definitely not ready for anything more than a kiss not there and not that day!!!!!!!!!!
He went over an sat next to me and hugged me
"why do you do this to me? " i said
He kissed my forehead and kept hugging me just tighter and tighter.
'' Why do you have to be like this?Why do you treat me like shit now? i have enough with my dad and brother and its the same with you!''.
He stayed quiet and just looked at me.
After i stopped crying i felt the need to tell him of my secrets something i had been battling i thought i trusted him enough to tell him.
And well no one knows besides viv... but he is my bf and I needed to tell him. I told him that i was molested by my cousins when i was younger. He showed empathy with his face, he hugged me and told me he loved me. And he didn't ask much about it.
Minutes later i started to feel a little better and thought
Well what's next? we are both alone in a motel and im here I'm wearing a dress fuck..
i was convinced i wasn't ready for sex.
Xavier interrupted my thoughts and said he'd go get water from the vending machine downstairs. So i waited all alone in the room kind of afraid thought to myself , peeking out the window waiting for him.
He was back with 4 small water bottles and gave one to me. It was lowkey awkward but we were both kinda scared to be there..
We laid down together, he got on top of me and started to kiss me
I felt REALLLLLLY uncomfortable i didnt kiss back. I really didn't know how to kiss, Xavier is my first boyfriend, i was very nervous and kept thinking "I'm not ready for this please stop" i was convinced that he wanted to have sex with me that evening.
He kissed my my neck and slided his way down and i stopped him.
"stop"!
He looked at me
Xavier:'' cmon let me just kiss it''
"no stop!"
he seemed bothered so he stood up and laid down and gave me his back. I tried to cheer him up and i guess you can say one thing led to another that evening. We didnt have sex but i pleasured him in other ways he made me give him a hand job-_- fuck it was so weird and with soap because i was scared to suck it.
Xavier: "I'm hungry "i asked him if he wanted to go to Carls Jr and he said yes so we left the room..
i didn't know what to think of it
"Why is he starting at me my makeup is probably a mess "
But that wasn't the reason why he stared.
Xavier: "Give me a hug show me some love baby" i hugged him feeling quite uncomfortable since we were both sitting in a car trying to hug each other.
He suddenly tries to kiss my cheek , feeling uncomfortable i moves away looking at him confused. He looked at me with his big brown eyes and a serious face.
:"Why ? ''
Xavier:."Why what?" .
: ''Why are you doing this? ,What is it that you want from me? what are we?" i just wanted to know and get straight to the point.
Xavier: " I want you and love you, if i didn't i wouldn't of got you these".
Reaching to the back seat he grabs a dozen of Red roses and hands them to me.
i was in a complete shock
" Oh my goshh !!" i felt so happy this was my first time ever getting roses from anyone, so i felt really special i gave him a very passionate hug in return.
''thank you so much they are beautiful''
both stood quiet, he reached over and put his hand over my cheek,kissed me my neck and kissed my forehead.
It was a Beautiful moment for me i felt loved for the first time by Someone.
I guess this was just a unique way to ask me out im guessing.
These roses meant a fresh new start for me
It was hellA hot in the car so i took my sweater off
Xavier: " Damm baby nice" (complementing my shirt) i giggled.
He drove back to the mall and it was time to say goodbye, something i truly did not want to do.
kissed for one last time. i got off the car quickly since it was one rainy evening he soon took off.
6 Minutes later he called me
Xavier: ''So what you think of the roses? do you like them? "
'' i love them " TBH i was falling in love and i was realizing this could be something real and amazing Xavier was falling in love too at least that's what he said. Idk it feels amazing dude idk wtf is going to happen
.. His name is Xavier Hernandez he is 21
he said he is an entrepreneur or some like that and loves music but works as a MMA instructor. He seems to be hella reserved and private and doesnt tell me much which makes my mind wonder.. he is always ''busy'', and again a very mysterious i never really know what he is up to next. I hate this.. i swore this man changed he's not the same anymore i want the old him back. I cry myself to sleep every night knowing things arent changing.
Months later i started to see a different side of him tho.. a side i had never seen before.
We didn't talk much anymore and we hadn't seen each other since that time at the mall.
He started to be mean very controlling and possessive.
This confused me
In late August 2011 i finally had the chance to see him again. He kept bugging about it and i was very disappointed with his behavior lately and what i was going to find out next was only going to make matters worse.
I would have never thought i would end up seeing him at a motel next....
A FUCKEN Motel.... he was hella different now, he wasn't sweet anymore nor caring. He wanted everything his way or no way and most of the time he got what he wanted.
He wanted to hang out in a motel because there wasn't any other place to chill since i was underage well i didnt agree i thought to myselfthere's the movies the park much more other fun things to do''its confusing
I felt so shocked about the situation and felt like a prostitute going to a motel with a man I thought loved me and cared for me. I did not feel safe at this point but
I had no choice. I was dying to see him and couldn't really do anything about it but obey.
As i walked up the stairs of the motel i thought to myself
"What is this? this isn't right why am i here? he doesn't love me he just wants to fuck me "
At this point i was upset over an argument we had in the car i did nothing and stayed quiet. I didnt want to go I got bad anxiety while waiting in the car. But he said it was to late and we were doing it!!
He opened the door....it was ghetto as fuck ugh. Two beds, one tv and a bathroom with broken dimmed lights. I sat on one of the beds near the bathroom far away from him i was tripping balls at this point..i couldn't resist and broke down crying. It was all to much for me i did not know what would happen next. I started to remember things i did not want to remember, things from when i was much younger. I'm a virgin, definitely not ready for anything more than a kiss not there and not that day!!!!!!!!!!
He went over an sat next to me and hugged me
"why do you do this to me? " i said
He kissed my forehead and kept hugging me just tighter and tighter.
'' Why do you have to be like this?Why do you treat me like shit now? i have enough with my dad and brother and its the same with you!''.
He stayed quiet and just looked at me.
After i stopped crying i felt the need to tell him of my secrets something i had been battling i thought i trusted him enough to tell him.
And well no one knows besides viv... but he is my bf and I needed to tell him. I told him that i was molested by my cousins when i was younger. He showed empathy with his face, he hugged me and told me he loved me. And he didn't ask much about it.
Minutes later i started to feel a little better and thought
Well what's next? we are both alone in a motel and im here I'm wearing a dress fuck..
i was convinced i wasn't ready for sex.
Xavier interrupted my thoughts and said he'd go get water from the vending machine downstairs. So i waited all alone in the room kind of afraid thought to myself , peeking out the window waiting for him.
He was back with 4 small water bottles and gave one to me. It was lowkey awkward but we were both kinda scared to be there..
We laid down together, he got on top of me and started to kiss me
I felt REALLLLLLY uncomfortable i didnt kiss back. I really didn't know how to kiss, Xavier is my first boyfriend, i was very nervous and kept thinking "I'm not ready for this please stop" i was convinced that he wanted to have sex with me that evening.
He kissed my my neck and slided his way down and i stopped him.
"stop"!
He looked at me
Xavier:'' cmon let me just kiss it''
"no stop!"
he seemed bothered so he stood up and laid down and gave me his back. I tried to cheer him up and i guess you can say one thing led to another that evening. We didnt have sex but i pleasured him in other ways he made me give him a hand job-_- fuck it was so weird and with soap because i was scared to suck it.
Xavier: "I'm hungry "i asked him if he wanted to go to Carls Jr and he said yes so we left the room..
As we drove off he Held my hand i started to think ''wow i don't know what to think''.
i had so many thoughts going on in my head that all i wanted was to get home. We got to Carls jr and we ordered. I ended up paying for him that night such an stupid girl i am i felt used tbh but I loved him so much and wanted him happy i didnt care about how things had to be or if the man was supposed to pay i didnt care in that moment
He took me home that night and we said goodbye to eachother.
We didn't really speak that night and that was killing me i felt sad and confused
"did he use me"? i thought all night.
Months later the relationship was rocky.
He took me home that night and we said goodbye to eachother.
We didn't really speak that night and that was killing me i felt sad and confused
"did he use me"? i thought all night.
Months later the relationship was rocky.
We werent as close as we were months before. What i mean by that,is the connection i thought we had was dying but no matter what was going on Xavier was always around.
I hated how everything had turned out. I'd never thought it would turn out like this.He seemed so good at first. He promised me the world and everything in it .He promised to protect me and love me but instead all he did in the end was hurt me
At this point i was tired and wanted it to be over and not hurt anymore but i'd always go back to him and believe his lies.
I hated how everything had turned out. I'd never thought it would turn out like this.He seemed so good at first. He promised me the world and everything in it .He promised to protect me and love me but instead all he did in the end was hurt me
At this point i was tired and wanted it to be over and not hurt anymore but i'd always go back to him and believe his lies.
well idk !!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe he didn't change maybe this is the real him and just "lied to me about everything" i dont know what to think anymore it driving me crazy
He never wants to take me out in public or do anything fun with me. There was a time i wasnt even sure if he really even loved me i felt like he would just want to mess around and do sexual things all the fucking time
"Is that all you want from me!?"
Xavier:"NO! but you need to full fill my needs as man ''
It sure made me doubt a few things.
Im fed up and want to leave him. Ive tried many times but he wont set me free from this nightmare.
Xavier:''You're not going anywhere youre mine just wait till you turn 18 & we will get married''
Ugh the shit he tells me gives me hope that he is a nice genuine guy but there was times i wanted it to work so bad id start making excuses for him and his behavior. IDK WHATS GOING TO HAPPEN i really love him but he acts shady all the time and makes me confused about everything idk what to do
